stay true stay true stay true

That’s how I feel lately. Stay true, stay true, stay true.

Stay true to the goal. Stay true to my mission.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the bootcamp that I did in bali, the coding I’m doing, the learning I’m going through, the pain I experience around coding and the lack of money that I’ve earned from coding so far. And questioning why the fuck I continue? If any logical person looks at my life, the time I’ve invested learning to code, the amount of money I’ve earned from coding, the amount of money I’ve spent learning it, they’d tell me without a doubt to quit. Why do I stick with this shit? Why do I stick with shit when others quit?

Well back in 2010, I set a goal to learn to code. And I think one of my greatest strengths is dedication and focus. When I set my eyes on a goal, it’s often I attain it, eventually. My secret weapon isn’t being amazing, or even good. I’m actually very mediocre when I first start stuff. Coding has not in one bit come naturally. Quite the opposite, I’ve opposed almost everything I’ve learned. But, by simply applying dedication and staying true to what I want, that I eventually get what I want. I keep at it even when it gets tough. Keeping at it, even when I want to quit. Keeping going even when other easier, more lucrative options exist. A narrow focus. I’m focused.

This isn’t very insightful. But, fuck it, I’m tired. What is staying true? Sticking with the mission I started way back in 2010, to become a coder. Stick with the learning. Eventually I’ll catch a break. And when I catch a break, I go all in. I haven’t caught my break yet in coding. But I know the position I’m in. It’s a feeling I haven’t felt since back Sophomore year of high school when I was playing MotoGP the demo.

Back then, I thought I was the greatest racer ever, because I beat all my friends in Pewaukee. But in reality, when I fired up Xbox live for the first time, I wasn’t great. And, In the beginning, I was horrible, but I loved playing. I looked at the scoreboards and aspired to be the best. And then, after a couple weeks, I cracked the top 1,000 on the scoreboards, and I thought I was the shit! I got some momentum. Then… I randomly joined a room with the top players in the world, I got dominated. After that I stepped up my game, and took it to the next level and within the next month I was a top 10 player in the world. That’s where I feel I’m at in coding, ready to take it to the next level. I just need someone to show me what the next level is. The major difference is the learning curve for coding has been 5 years and in MotoGP it was 2 weeks.

I remember my strategy, I would set an absolutely amazing time on a track. A time, that I thought was un-beatable! Then I would go race other tracks and set a new best. And then set another best on a different track. And then I would come back to that first track and find that it was easy to beat that time. It’s similar to reviewing code I wrote back 3 months ago, it’s easy to go back and make it better.

More on quitting tho and staying dedicated. I quit video games after high school in an effort to focus on college and school work. And I dominated at school and when people were out partying I was knocking out Calculus problems. But when I found out college was a breeze, I decided to turn my focus elsewhere. I craved the challenge. I thought college was going to fulfill that need for competition that came from gaming, but it didn’t. At the end of my sophomore year of college, I picked up Forza 2 with a goal of becoming the best in the world. I bought an Xbox 360 and Forza 2 the day it came out. Sounds kinda crazy looking back, but I bought an Xbox and a video game with the goal of being the best.

But at one point, before I won my car, before I was a sponsored player making crazy amounts of money for a college student, before I was the best, I almost quit that fucking game. I was playing against this asshole and he beat me so badly. And race after race after race, I lost. I couldn’t even get close to him. The beatdown came after I’d played 10+ hours daily for about 2 months. I’d dedicated my life to this game and I couldn’t even beat this guy who played way less than me? And I thought, you know what, I’m just not good enough. I’ll never be the best. And I seriously contemplated quitting. Really thought about hanging it up, I thought I’m not turning on that Xbox the next day. I was going to quit that day. But then I thought back to all the other games I quit when someone beat me down. Like when I quit RalliSport Challenge 2 because a drunk guy beat me. Or Midtown Madness 3, Midnight Club 2, or MotoGP2 (I was nearly the best in the world at all these games). But this time, I decided to stick with it, and that was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. At that point, I knew I would, at worst, go out doing my best and losing, but not quitting. And it worked out. But when you throw in the towel too early, you never know what you’ll become.

After reading my blog, you might think I hate coding. But who the fuck am I kidding, only one person really reads my blog. ;) But, since you likely haven’t read, in my blog I contunually bitch about coding. But I actually like it. Most of my frustration comes from something holding me back from coding. Things that hold me back include things I don’t understand. The last time I got really pissed off at coding was because of a workfow problem in git. And git was actually holding me back from coding. And that’s what pissed me off. I had some fucking code to write, git..

If I look back at the bootcamp I did in Bali, how many people came out of the bootcamp and did coding right away? 4/10 How many people have earned money coding? 3/10. Luca got investment on his startup, Jenny just started getting paid. I haven’t made a dime. Freddie took a job doing something else. Matt stuck with it for a while, but seemed to be wandering around for the past 6 months. Steph went back to her business. Kintan doesn’t code, but works in the tech space. Fabian might be coding, not sure. Colyn got a gig coding! And I’m almost positive the other chick isn’t coding. So, is the bootcamp a success? I dunno I don’t really give a fuck. I’m still coding and that’s what counts.

What is success for me?

Success is happiness. Stay true to the cause, because it might bring happiness. I believe coding can bring a life which can generate happiness on a consistent basis. That’s why I’ve stuck with it for 5 years without hardly any payoff, because one day, it might pay off in happiness.

Post Content